Pearls

Happiness and Powerpoint?!

2010-03-09T19:59:00.015-05:00

According to Forbes.com, I live in the richest county in the US -- Loudoun County, Virginia (population: 277,433; median household income: $110,643.00). Ooooh.... big deal, eh?

Not really. More like the opposite. All the research done over the years on money and happines showed that while money is a factor when it comes to happiness, it is also a factor when it comes to unhappiness... Funny how that works.

To make more you have to work more. More hours away from home and family. More hours on the phone with people you don't care about. More hours wasted on commute. More hours staring at the computer screen, stressing about deadlines, agonizing over office politics, or worrying about job safety - you get my point. Gradually, your job becomes your life vs. an earned paycheck, and the tiny bit of time you actually do spend with your family becomes more of a facade and a check box (I did it!) vs. being an essential part of your life.

People think I am a natural workaholic because I like to work and I work a lot. The truth is, I am not... I am just responsible and laser-focused on getting stuff done, and I want to get it all done between the hours of 9 and 5. I can't work after 5 because I have a child who needs me. I don't want to work after 5 because I want to relax, have a glass of wine, flip through magazines, and make a delicious dinner for the people I love. I also love to read... I need books in my life... Sometimes I go months without reading for pleasure and it starts to slowly suffocate me. I also love to write, and I really haven't been blogging as much as I would like to. I also love photography.... and gardening, cooking, travelling, and spending time with my son and helping him overcome obstacles one little step at a time.

Life is too short to spend all of it on power point presentations. So, do I work after 5pm? No, I don't. But I do get back on my computer at 8pm, when my son goes to bed, and work for hours until I can no longer keep my eyes open.

Does living in the richest county in the US make me proud? Hell no -- it makes me question why we live here. It makes me want to move as the pressure of having to work more hours will continue to rise.

When it snows, it blizzards.

2010-02-16T13:07:00.019-05:00

You think I'm talking about the 75 inches of snow that we got in Northern Virginia in the last few weeks? Well, while it certainly has something to do with the post, it isn't the main reason for it, so keep on reading.

2010 came into my life with a blizzard of changes:

1. January 11, 2010: Will's new nanny start date. As you can imagine, a new caregiver for your kid means LOTS of changes and adjustments, even if the nanny is good (which she is).

2. January 13, 2010: I got laid off from AOL. In the 10 years of my professional career, I got laid off for the first time ever, after having worked for AOL for almost 6 years. I didn't see it coming, but came and hit me in the face.

3. Losing my job would not have been as traumatic if it hadn't been for the Autism Insurance benefit that Time Warner/AOL started to provide last January. Since only a handful of companies in the US offer Autism Insurance, being laid off from AOL also meant that Will's daily ABA therapy would have to be discontinued -- there is just no way I can afford to pay $3,200 per month to cover the cost of the therapy. So after some back and forth with the AOL HR and COBRA people, I got really great news that AOL COBRA actually covers the Autism benefit for the maximum of 15 months! Moreover, since I got laid off, it would only cost me $288 per month to have medical insurance for both of us, Autism benefits included. You can imagine how happy I am about that.

4. January 27, 2010: My first day at a small business company as a director of client services. Basically, I got a new job 2 weeks after getting laid off from AOL, and now I work exclusively from home. It's a big change from working for large corporations during the last 8 years of my career... Although it's been super stressful and insanely fast-paced, I have to give it more time for things to sink in and for me to adjust to a different work style before I can decide if it's the right fit for me long-term.

5. February 1 - 11, 2010: two blizzards in a row (now I am talking about the snow).. record snow fall since 1800s? A $600 investment into a monster snow blower? Are you kidding me? Now couple THAT with closed schools, canceled therapy, nanny unable to drive due to the snow and yours truly still having to do work because I work from home. Yeah, I am complaining.

6. Last but not least, I met someone special a few months ago, who has become a big part of my life in a very short amount of time. It feels wonderful, exciting, scary, overwhelming, different, too good to be true, and really confusing all at the same time. Makes sense, right? :-) Either way, I would not change one thing and I hope for the best.

Life is truly an amazing and unpredictable thing no matter how you look at it. And it's true -- if it doesn't break you, it makes you stronger. So here's to being strong!

First Day of Snow

2009-12-08T10:11:00.001-05:00

First Day of Snow
Originally uploaded by marina.tuttle

I hope my rose bushes survive the heavy snow and ice we got yesterday. Some of the branches were completely frozen and stuck to the ground, and a few of them weren't able to handle the weight of the ice and broke. Boo hoo. :-(

Chateau de Sancerre 2007

2009-11-28T18:32:00.016-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I was shopping at Costco (mainly for diapers and wipes), but, somehow, found myself in the wine section (I always manage to do that). It being a holiday season, I decided to treat myself to some new wine. Typically a Pinot Grigio drinker, I recently switched to Sauvignon Blanc (Pinot Grigio was getting a bit too sweet for me). So I picked up a bottle of Ch. de Sancerre 2007, Sauvignon Blanc from Loire, France.

Before I go on, I have to give you some quick background on my relationship with French wines.... When my Dad came back from France a few years ago, he told me to never buy French wine unless it is at least $50 a piece. Why? Because according to him, French wines below that price are garbage. He claims to know that because he took a few tours of wineries in France and knows "the business." So ever since I've been buying local (US) or Italian wines, and stayed away from expensive French wines that would certainly break my budget...

.... until about two months ago. My mind was changed thanks to the RSS feed from wine.com and the numerous articles and reviews of excellent and affordable French wines. (My Dad doesn't know about it and I plan to keep it that way for now.)

Anywho, back to Chateau de Sancerre... I got a bottle of 2007 Sauvignon Blanc ($19.00 per bottle), brought it home and tried it that same night. And I was blown away. So clean and crisp, so light and elegant, I can honestly say that I could drink it all night and enjoy every bit of it. This wine is like your favorite purse that goes well with anything.. and yet, people always compliment you on it. Seriously, try it, especially if you are a white wine drinker. It will become one of your favorites, I am sure of it.

Cheers!

Why?

2009-11-20T19:12:00.023-05:00

Because. It's really that simple. Sometimes it's logical, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it's predictable, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes patterns of behavior make a good projection for the future. And, sometimes, patterns are just patterns. Do what you believe is right and let the rest go.

---------------------------------

Do we think too much these days? Never used to think that thinking in any amount is a bad thing... Lately though I've been wondering if ignorance is truly bliss.. I've always been a why person, so I have to know why things happen the way they do. Moreover, I have to be able to understand the logic behind it. So, when things don't go the way they "should", or illogically, my brain gets lost.

I tend to ask a lot of why questions about life and why things happen the way they do very openly. And, occasionally, I hear things like "you should go see someone/talk to someone," referring to me going to see a therapist.

Why is it that almost every person I know either has a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist, and/or taking anti-depressants? Are we all really that screwed up? Or, do we have too much to deal with? I don't remember my grandparents having therapists or taking anti-depressants... and they lived through wars and poverty. So, did the world change or did we change it by having wanted more and more and not being able to handle it once we got it? Or, did we just get weaker and spoiled, and would rather pay a trained psychologist to tell us how to make/keep us happy?

Is it because we have the luxury of time and money to study ourselves in an attempt to "figure ourselves out"? Are we really that mentally lazy or incapable that we need a stranger to tell us about us? Why is it that the closest people to us like family and friends can no longer serve that role and we have to hire a consultant to help us? How can life be simplified to the point where we no longer feel the need to hire a third party to help us make sense out of life?

Maybe I should ask a therapist.

Not so bad after all

2009-11-16T19:48:00.021-05:00

Willie turned four a couple of weeks ago. As part of his birthday present, I brought him to AOL to check out where mommy works and to have lunch at our cafeteria. He loved all of it and really didn't want to go back home. His nanny told me that he cried all the way home and even after he got home... I wonder why I don't cry when I get home from work everyday? Maybe I am missing something...

Two weeks ago I also went to see a family doctor. Then I got meds. And now I am doing much better. It feels good to actually write that and feel that. It's been several years since I've felt this calm, collected, and just myself. I didn't realize how much I missed that feeling. Even the bronchitis I've been battling for the last 1.5 weeks can't change how good I feel emotionally. After the years of stress, heart break, turmoil, and the most brutal emotional boot camp, I finally got a break.

I am really looking forward to the holiday season. I've already started my Christmas shopping and have been brainstorming Christmas Eve/night menus. My mom is coming to stay with us until the second week of January, so that should be interesting. My mom's visits are always interesting. Oh, the three of us are going to Williamsburg, VA for a few days and hang out at the Great Wolf Lodge. It's a huge indoor water park, and I only heard great things about it, so we are doing it. I am sure that trip will become its own blog post.

Work's been busy... AOL is going through a lot of changes and we are all trying to move fast and stay relevant. It's refreshing to be part of a quickly changing environment, so I am hopeful that we/the company are off to some interesting times. And that's all I can really say about it here.

Last week I met up with one of my closest friends from Russia, Tanya, who was in DC for 1.5 days for work. Mainly due to my annoying bronchitis, I only got to see her for about an hour. She also had a package from my mom (a bunch of medicine you cannot get in the US w/out a prescription, like ear drops, dammit) and a big bag with my favorite candy - Mishka Kosolapy. I never asked her for the candy, so I was moved that she remembered my favorite candy after so many years and brought it for me as a surprise. It's the little things...

I haven't done much reading or spent any time doing photography stuff lately. I think I am just resting from these hobbies and gaining strength to turn back to them when the time is right. At the same time, I have been doing a lot more cooking and enjoying it immensely. I even gave up Panera for my home-cooked "melty" sandwiches.

So overall, I am happy to report that things are not so bad after all... :-)

Hello, hypertension

2009-11-04T20:57:00.003-05:00

I hate doctors, medicine, pills, hospitals, and everything related to that. Well, maybe except for the Discovery Health channel, which I love to watch.

But, it turns out I’m no robot after all. I am pretty disappointed with myself, I must admit. I thought I could take on any amount of stress, deal with it, shake it off, move on, and be as good as new. Right?

Wrong.

In the last few months, I’ve been waking up with headaches even after 8 hours of sleep (which is rare, but still). And, sometimes, the headaches last all day long… Moreover, any significant excitement (positive or negative) also tends to cause my head to ache later.

While I casually blamed the headaches on my life style and all the stress around it, gradually, this new ‘headache’ thing started to significantly affect my everyday life, and just wouldn’t seem to want to go away.

So a month ago my mom suggested I buy a blood pressure monitor. I listened (which is also rare).

I never really monitored my bp before, except for when I was pregnant with Will. My bp was high then, but I blamed it on the pregnancy, naturally. So it's been a discovery for me that my baseline blood pressure is high (above 140/100 first thing in the morning). Based on my bp logs of two weeks, I have hypertension, stage 2 (the last one).

Last Monday was a particularly stressful day for multiple reasons, and my blood pressure spiked to 190/110. I spent that night in the ER.

Tomorrow I have my first family doctor appointment to get additional testing and get on a bp medication. I feel like a grown-up now – I have a family doctor… Haven’t had one since I had a pediatrician back in Russia.

I don't know if this thing is temporary or I'll have to be on meds indefinitely. Honestly, I don't really care right now -- I just want to get my bp under control and the headaches gone.

My 2010 New Years resolutions list should be interesting…

You snooze, you lose.

2009-10-15T13:21:00.022-04:00

It's been a while since I felt the need to blog about Autism. Reasons: 1) I felt that for some time Will had been making progress, and life was becoming more "normal", 2) been busy with selling the house, then not selling it, then refinancing it and all the stress that came from that, 3) I generally like to blog about the things I love doing, like cooking, photography, music, travelling, and, of course, things I do with and for Will.

But, blogging about Autism is like cutting my heart out of my chest and giving it to the rest of the world to examine, under a microscope. It's that personal. And, it's that painful.

Last night was really tough. Will has a cold, so he coughed half of the night, and was finally able to fall sleep around 3am. At 5:45am, my alarm went off, as always, but, instead of hitting the 'off' button, like I always do (which makes a 'beep' sound), I hit the 'snooze' button (which produces no sound). At that point, I thought Will was completely asleep but, when he didn't hear the 'beep' sound, he went from a sound asleep stage to an absolute psycho melt-down stage in less than two seconds. He jumped off the bed and started running around, trying to push every single button he could find in the bedroom (vcr, tv, light switches etc.) in search of that 'beep' sound. It lasted about 30 min, and me trying to comfort and re-direct him was only making him more frustrated. Finally, I just sat there and stared into space, waiting for all of it to pass. Seeing my child be like this was horrible and, for the first time since his diagnosis, I realized that Will needs more help.

Since Will perceives the world and life around him as a set of patterns, any deviation from those has a disastrous effect. Naturally, the easiest thing would have been for me to reset the alarm and hit the 'off' button. But, you can't give into this ritualistic behavior because, otherwise, as you continue to feed the problem, he will continue to expect the same outcome.

A structured school environment and daily ABA therapy help him a lot with the issues of Autism, but I feel like now we need to do even more. I don't know what though, and I am afraid of what the doctors may suggest, since no one really knows how to treat Autism. I am and always have been against any sort of anti-depressant or anti-psychotic medication but, perhaps, it's time to put my personal convictions aside and take Will back to the Children's National Medical Center for a check-up.

"Sharlotka" (Russian Apple Pie)

2009-10-10T15:13:00.029-04:00

Autumn is my favorite season... The air is fresh and cool, yet it's still not too cold to sit outside with a blanket, enjoy a glass of good red wine, and watch the leaves fall.

Autumn is also the time for those of us who cook to do so more often -- it's the season of hearty soups, stews, rich casseroles, and pies.

Speaking of pies... I've been meaning to make Sharlotka (a common name for a Russian apple pie) for a few weeks now, and today was the day. The recipe is so easy, a caveman can do it (hehe).

Ingredients:

* 3 large apples (I find that yellow apples taste the best for this type of pie)
* 4 large eggs
* 1 cup of flour
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1/3 tspoon of baking soda
* 1/4 of stick of butter

Directions:

Peel the apples first, then cut/slice the them up however you like. I tend to slice them pretty thin, but that's a personal preference. Place the cut-up applies into a baking/pie dish, pre-treated with olive oil, butter, or PAM, to prevent it from sticking.

In a large mixing bowl, mix eggs, flour, sugar and baking soda. Once the batter is ready, pour it into the baking dish over the cut-up apples. Stick a few small pieces of butter into the batter in the pie dish (my mom's secret - "it will taste better"). Place the dish in the oven (uncovered) and bake at 375F degrees for 30 min.

Serve warm or room temperature. I like to sprinkle some powdered sugar on it when serving to make it a bit more sweet. Priyatnogo appetita :-)

National Symphony Orchestra -- Season Opening Concert

2009-09-26T22:29:00.021-04:00

A couple of months ago I was reviewing the Kennedy Center's repertoire for the current season, which is something that I've done every year since I'd moved to the DC area, and learned that the Center just created a two-year program called "Focus on Russia." I also learned that the National Symphony Orchestra's season opening concert was going to debut Evgeny Kissin, a world-known Russian pianist, performing Chopin's Piano Concerto No. 2. It was a no-brainer -- I simply couldn't miss it.

Tonight was the night, and I was really looking forward to it. When I walked into the Center, I was startled by what I saw: it looked like a black tie event and 90% of the women were wearing high-end evening gowns and up-do's. Don't get me wrong -- I've been to the Kennedy Center plenty of times before -- but I've never seen a crowd of this caliber. As I was going to my seat, I saw David Gregory and his wife & friends. When I sat down and looked up, I saw the former Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff and his entourage. I didn't recognize anyone else, but it was evident that this was Washington DC high society. At the same time, there was plenty of Russian talk in the air, so I felt at home, even though I was dressed like I was going to a business meeting.

The concert opened with Glinka's overture to "Russlan and Ludmilla." It almost made me cry -- every Russian knows and loves Glinka's music especially because of its folk nature. But, as much as I love Glinka, I was in complete awe of the the orchestra's performance: it was amazing, absolutely amazing. Tonight was the first time when I heard the National Symphony Orchestra live, and I was completely blown away by the musicians' mastership.

Later into the concert, Jozsef Lendvay, Jr. and orchestra performed Sarasate's Zigeunerweisen for Violin and Orchestra, and it was so beautiful. Oh my god, as his 1693 Stradivari was crying, so was I; it was impossible not to be moved by his performance.

After the intermission, it was Kissin's time. As they rolled out a concert-size grand Steinway, my heart started to beat faster. Kissin is two years older than me, but I remember back then, when I was growing up in Russia, he was already famous, and started to perform at a national and international level at the age of 12. But, I never heard him live until tonight.

I hyper-focused on Kissin's fingers for 38 minutes -- that's how long the concerto lasted. It was absolutely amazing. Not a single flaw, not a single moment of hesitation or lack of unison with the orchestra... he played the entire concerto by memory. Kissin was incredible.

The concert ended with Strauss' Danube. What a great way to finish the concert -- there's really nothing more relaxing, cheerful and beautiful all at the same time than Strauss' waltzes. Again, I was simply overwhelmed by how amazing the orchestra sounded.

During the entire concert, I kept thinking "Are my ears deceiving me? It's just absolutely perfect... all of it." It was a similar feeling to what I had back when we were in Spain this past summer, except there I was thinking "Are my eyes deceiving me?"

Tonight's concert was absolutely perfect. Bravo.

P.S. Often people ask 'Is there a real need for a conductor?' The answer is yes. Why does a football team need a coach? Individual musicians and football players are all talented and skilled, but they are only responsible for doing their part. You need a conductor/coach to bring them all together and give them a sign for when they need to perform. There's no orchestra w/out a conductor, just like there's no football team w/out a coach. Bravo, Maestro Ivan Fischer.

Hello, September...

2009-09-15T19:42:00.013-04:00

Much has been happening in the last few weeks, so I felt the need to document the highlights because I never want to forget any of it.

+ I joined a Fantasy Football league this year and was lucky to get my first pick - Adrian Peterson. I also just won week 1. This whole experience is turning out to be much more interesting and exciting that I'd expected, and I'm loving every minute of it.

+ I am still a NE Patriots fan and a proud owner of a football jersey with Teddy Bruschi's name on it. In fact, I am wearing it as I'm writing this post :-)

+ I turned 34. It was a very happy day.

+ Will's started his 2nd year of preschool. He has a new teacher who, I believe, is going to push him to achieve significant progress this year. I am psyched to have her on our side.

+ Will's ABA therapy has been increased to 5 days a week... So his day starts with preschool 7:50 am - 11:50am, and finishes with therapy 1pm - 4pm. No time for napping and, he's still only 3.

+ I put my house on the market on 9/8, and had an open house this past Sunday.

+ After looking at ~ 20 townhouses in the area, I found a community where Will and I are going to move to this fall. I love what I found, and look forward to calling it my home very soon.

+ I have three photography books on loan that I should have read by now, but I feel too tired to read anything.

+ I've been eating way too much chocolate and exercising way too little.

+ Work has been a challenge for different reasons, but I do the best I can not to let the small stuff get the best of me. But it still gets to me. :-(

+ I am grateful for all the help and support I've been getting from the people in my world during this hectic and stressful time in my life. I really wish my Dad would understand me better.

+ Will and I need to get on a better sleeping schedule that results in me getting more than 4 hours of sleep per night. I really should be sleeping now.

Thoughts on "Nineteen Eighty-Four"

2009-09-02T21:48:00.013-04:00

A few months ago, I was having a conversation with a co-worker about intellectually stimulating books. When I mentioned that I am always in the market for those, he recommended “Nineteen Eighty-Four” by George Orwell.

I had no idea what the book was about or what to expect when I first started reading it. About ten pages into it I had to put it down. There was a description of a war scene: a mother was screaming in fear, while desperately trying to save her small child from bullets and bombs flying at them. The description was so realistic and powerful that I imagined myself there... It then went on giving graphic details of the mother and child’s death. That was when I closed the book and accepted the fact that I couldn't handle it.

A week passed... I didn’t touch the book, yet it was on my mind. Slowly, I accepted the horrible and graphic depiction of the war scene as I realized the meaning it carried. So, with great caution, I went back to reading the book and, little by little, became completely captivated by it.

The book painted the worst possible scenario of how far a dictatorial political regime could go. I know that a lot of people, especially people in the US, believe that Socialism or Communism is bad and evil by nature. The truth (or what I believe) is that neither is bad or evil, but it makes sense to use a political regime that is best suited for a given society, based on culture, history etc. No regime is good when abused, and all regimes have their strengths and weaknesses.

While I found the book absolutely depressing and brutal most of the time, it always gave me a glimpse of hope... Hope that the real truth, justice, human spirit, and laws of nature vs. laws of a political machine would prevail. The writing is brilliant and the monologues and dialogues are so intellectually stimulating and philosophical, that there was a moment when I actually questioned if 2 + 2 = 4. But the real bonus was that the book brought back many memories from my life in the former Soviet Union… memories that I hadn’t thought of in many years, if ever.

The Party

The entire book is based on the principle that the Party is the start and the end of it all. The reason things existed the way they were was because the Party wanted it that way. It went even further to suggest that if the Party wanted people to fly, which obviously went against the laws of gravity, they would be able to do so.

It made me think of the principles and teachings of the Communist Party in the former Soviet Union.... When I was growing up there in the 1980s, I did think that believing in our Party and its principles was the way to live. Both my Dad and Grandfather were Party members with college degrees in mathematics and radio engineering and distinguished military careers. I was raised to believe in science, progress and innovation, and that Communism is a reachable and ultimate goal of our society.

The government did decide what was best for you as a citizen because the government had the right vision for our society. And, if it was decided to limit the ration of toilet paper, it meant that this was a necessary measure for the country and we would have to be more economical. I remember standing in long lines with my Mom to buy chocolate candy because the supply was incredibly limited but the demand grew each year. I remember that bananas were a real treat and rarity, and the only reason my Mom was able to buy them was because she had a job as a quality expert for imported goods (that was a Money job, by the way). I remember going to the store to buy milk and bread and that there was only one brand of milk and two types of bread (white and rye). But I don’t ever remember thinking or asking myself or my parents ‘Why can’t the country give us more of this or that?’ Things and amount of them didn’t seem to define people. Education and career accomplishments did. And, if you had those, you also had more things, but that was the consequence of the former.

I don’t remember anyone being particularly unhappy with the fact that we couldn’t travel the world or buy Levi’s. Overall, my life and my family and friends’ lives during Socialism were stable, structured and sort of predictable (well, except for fearing the Americans and their nuclear weapons). Structure and predictability also meant confidence, safety and protection, which I still believe to be good things, so there you have it.

There’s a reason why Putin is still the ruling hand of Russia – while he is dictatorial in nature, he’s given people that same old sense of safety and protection. And a lot of people love him for that only, and will follow him blindly no matter where he chooses to steer the country. And yes, I do still believe that the Russians live and function better under a highly structured and firm political regime.

Freedom of Religion

The Party in the USSR never questioned the laws of nature. Moreover, the USSR and the Communist Party was all about pushing science to the edge. Who was the first person going to the outer space? Yuri Gagarin, thank you very much! :-)

But, religion was forbidden. How can there be god when everything was or could be explained by science? It’s just not logical. So yes, religion was banned. And this is where the Party went too far – if the Party said there was no god and we had to believe in science, there was no other option. If you are not with us, you are against us. It’s the only truth.

I remember finding a tiny silver cross in my Grandma’s old jewelry box when I was 11. I remember how it made me feel – I was confused and upset with Grandma. How can she have this?? This is just wrong. Is it even remotely possible that she doesn’t believe in science and secretly believes in the fairy tales of god? No, I didn’t turn her in, like one little girl in the book turned her father in to the Thought Police because he was screaming anti-party slogans in his sleep. But I did confront her about it. She denied having the cross. I told her that I had seen it just a few hours before, but she said that I must have mistaken it for something else. I remember crying about it, too. I never told this story to anyone until today. Too bad I can’t talk to my Grandma about it – she died 14 years ago.

Today, because I was raised an atheist, I struggle with the whole concept of god and religion. I want to believe it so badly, but I honestly can’t say that I do or do not. I go to church, I pray to God, and I even took my son to Russia two years ago and had him baptized in a Russian Orthodox church. And guess who was standing there in the church as his Godfather? My Dad. But, do we really believe in God or do we just go to church now because we are free to do so and it also is a popular thing to do? I truly don’t know. I wish that back then we had a choice to at least learn about religions and why they are important. I wish...

----------------------------------

There are a lot of unanswered questions in my mind about then and now; about why we did things we did back then and what impact it has on our lives today. I’ll be sure to find a Russian publication of “1984” and have my Dad and Grandfather read it by next summer, if they haven’t already. That should be a very interesting discussion.

Sesame Place

2009-08-25T19:27:00.050-04:00

Will has been a loyal fan of Sesame Street ever since he was a toddler. I bet we have every single Sesame Street DVD in the house, and many of them have already been replaced due to heavy use (or teeth marks). For Will, a typical morning is a bowl of Cheerios and Sesame Street (or Barney, on occasion), so we pretty much live it.

Thanks to Facebook and my neighbors, who posted pics from their trip, I learned that Sesame Place actually existed. Moreover, it's only a 3.5 hour drive from home. And so we went.

The Good
The park looks really nice, clean, and has a ton of different activities for kids. When we first got there, I realized quickly that Will got completely overwhelmed by the enormous amount of people (I think I got overwhelmed by that, too). After a few attempts to get him to try a few little kid rides, the scope of our visit had to be reduced to just the Splash Castle and other "wet" activities. And those turned out to be a lot of fun.

The Count Dracula's Splash Castle is a huge water park with water slides of all sizes and the occasional dumping of the water on everyone, which is the biggest hit for kids.

We also rented the Count's cabana for the day ($170), and it was worth every penny. Basically, it's your own little cabana with a fridge, unlimited water, a safe box, three couches, dining table and a ceiling fan. You can close the curtains to make it completely private. We changed there, had lunch there, lounged there, and even had a special visit from the Count to greet the "cabana" kids. That was definitely the highlight of the trip.

The Bad
Hotel
If you care about your accommodations, do not go with a Preferred Hotel package. Before booking our hotel, I had done some research on sesamestreet.com to see what sorts of things and vacation packages they offered. Now, I am the type of a consumer who buys Snuggle dryer sheets over the competing brands mainly because it has a picture of a cuddly teddy-bear on the box. Naturally, after reading their hotel descriptions, how kid-friendly they are, and and how much Sesame Place recommends them, I purchased a vacation package with a preferred hotel - Comfort Inn in Levittown. And here's my experience: I found the hotel to be really dark and the rooms super narrow (I felt like we were living inside a candy box). It also didn't help that our room was on the first floor, facing the parking lot and Bristol Pike, so the curtains had to stay closed the entire time. Later we found out that there's a Sheraton right across the street from Sesame Place. I could not believe it when I saw it there and really wished I had done more research. I don't know if the place is any good, but at least it would have gotten rid of all the stress from driving and a hefty $15 daily parking fee.

Sesame Place Characters
..or I should say the lack thereof? Maybe I got spoiled by Disney World with its presence of characters on the streets, but we didn't see Elmo or Big Bird or any of the characters with the exception of the Count. It felt as if the characters moved out and a million people moved in and flooded Sesame Place. The place felt more like a typical amusement park vs. Sesame Street/theme park, and that was disappointing. It didn't seem to give that *magic* feeling that Disney does.

We did have a dinner with Big Bird reservation, but the line was insanely long and it was so hot, it was hard to breathe. Even though Will had the orange bracelet (special needs bracelet), for some reason I felt rude getting in front of the rest of the little kids who had been baking under the sun for a long time waiting in line. So we left and had a great dinner at the Outback Steakhouse instead.

The Ugly
No offense to the people living in Langhorn or Levittown, PA, but the area is really questionable. I didn't feel comfortable driving there, and closed roads with detour signs that didn't lead us anywhere made our drive to Sesame place ~20min long vs. the ~5 min, as reported on their website. All I can say is thank God for my GPS. I don't think I ever relied on it as much as I did on this trip. It took us through many back roads and neighborhoods, but it never let me down.
And, believe it or not, there are no signs or advertisement for Sesame Place anywhere nearby. I mean, it's probably the only reason people drive from all of the country to Langhorn, PA, as it's the only Sesame Street theme park in the country. But no, not a single sign.

********************************

Overall, I am glad we did it -- it got us out of VA, took us to a place we've never been, got us scared a few times but, in the end, everyone had fun. It also made me realize that Will is probably a bit too young for any sort of an amusement park (he's still only 3), unless it's a water park, which we have plenty of in the area and don't need to drive 3.5 hours for that alone. If we ever go back there, it will be in a couple of years, and I'll be sure to do more research before booking a hotel.

A Little Pond in Ashburn, VA

2009-08-16T10:42:00.009-04:00

A Little Pond in Ashburn, VA
Originally uploaded by marina.tuttle

Just playing with Flickr to see how I can post directly from there to the blog....

As a side note, I am glad I finally took some pictures of the pond. I've been taking the same route to work for more than five years and always enjoyed looking at it for about 2 seconds as I "fly" by. It's one of those moments when you go 'Oh I wish I had my camera with me...'

So last Friday I brought my camera with me... Once I got out of the car, I realized there was really no safe place to stand to take pics (it’s a major but really narrow two-lane road). But, if there's a will, there's a way, and I did manage to find a piece of safe land to stand on and shoot a few pics, while cars were flying by a little too close to me.

Was it worth the risk? Probably not. But, it surely made me happy and now I get to look at the picture of the pond for as long as I want. :-)

Trip to Spain – Part 2

2009-08-11T21:17:00.013-04:00

“Darling, we are in Spain.”

I was overwhelmed by Spain: from the culture to cuisine to architecture to landscape to climate – everything was beautiful and breathtaking. However, what made the trip so unforgettable and special was the fact that I was there with one of my closest friends.

It was the conversations we had until 3 o’clock in the morning, while drinking champagne and eating Ronda Fresca... Or us grilling Dorado on the patio and eating those absolutely delicious salads with Crèma Balsamica… Or us running around El Corte in Marbella and Fuengirola with the kids and strollers in search of the perfect Andalusian dresses and accessories. Or dining at the El Faro restaurant and talking politics to our other Russian friends, and seeing Will try new things spontaneously, like eating calamari and ice-cream or playing with his new Russian friends.

It was also us just being two moms… walking to the beach every day holding two chairs, two umbrellas, two surfing boards, two large bags filled with towels, snacks and beach toys, and our three kids, each trying to either escape or cry for some reason. And, when our patience with the kids was running low, my friend and I would look at each other and say “Darling, we are in Spain…Everything is perfect.” Then we would smile, adjust our designer sunglasses (yes!) and keep on walking, holding our heads up high. And that’s how we roll.

I close my eyes sometimes and still see us walk the streets of Mijas… I can see those incredibly white buildings in the mountains, and my friend buying the cutest Flamenco dress in one of the boutiques for her little daughter … I can see Will scoping everything out in silence but I know that he’s just trying to take it all in. And I keep shooting – every building, every corner, every street is so unique and beautiful, it must be photographed.

It is crazy how life works – the people closest to you live thousands of miles away, in different countries, on different continents, and we see each other once a year, maybe. And, while modern technology allows you to keep in touch every day no matter where you are in the world, it is still not the same when you can’t see your friends more often. Perhaps, that’s what makes trips like this one so special and meaningful – you truly treasure and enjoy every second of it, be it in a villa in Spain or in a small apartment in Russia.

Trip to Spain – Part 1

2009-08-05T23:09:00.035-04:00

“He Was Perfect”

I had initially declined my friend’s invitation to come to Spain this summer. Main reason – travel time. I simply couldn’t imagine taking Will so faraway, on multiple flights, with a 4-hour layover in France, to a country I’ve never been. But, after giving it more thought, realizing that it could be a once in a lifetime opportunity, and knowing how much Will would enjoy the beach, I decided that it was worth it. I also knew that we were going to stay with my dear friend and her kids, so I was confident that we would have the best time there.

When we first got on the plane from DC to Paris, I warned the nearby passengers that Will is Autistic, and apologized in advance for any disturbance or noise. I meant it… I felt really bad for what I thought was about to happen. But nothing happened: he played with his books, watched a few Sesame Street DVDs, ate his dinner, I changed his diaper (although that was a bit of a challenge, given the size of those bathrooms), and he fell asleep. Once we landed, one of the passengers came to me and said ‘He was perfect. You should be proud of him.”

There were many times during our trip when we were either getting on or off an escalator in an airport, or standing in line for security checks, or going through customs, and I was absolutely sure Will would fuss or tantrum. But nothing happened. Not a peep. I kept thinking “I can’t believe this. He’s behaving better than typical kids. He must be in some sort of a shock from all the change.” So I kept looking at him in search for that absent look that we often see in Autistic kids. I didn’t see any of that – he was calm, alert, and observant.

During our stay in Malaga, we had a tiny Fiat Panda that my friend had rented, and we rode it at least twice a day. Will had to sit with two other kids in the back, in a small booster seat. He did great with that too, with the exception of insisting on closing the car doors himself (that’s his trademark though, so can’t really expect him to change that overnight).

When in Paris, on our way back to the US, we took a bus between the terminals at the Charles de Gaulle airport, and Will sat on a bus seat, all by himself like a big boy. He was serious and collected. I saw some passengers looking at him and smiling… I knew they had no idea that he was Autistic, and they were smiling because he was being like a little adult, riding a bus. I smiled, too. It was a very rare moment, when I felt a sense of normalcy and acceptance for my son… It is ironic that of all the places, it happened in Paris, on an airport bus filled with strangers.

During the trip, Will had to walk more than probably in his entire life. Some of it was due to us not having any choice, some to me being too tired to carry him, some to me wanting him to walk to be more independent. And it was all good for him.

That passenger from our flight from DC to Paris was right – Will was perfect. I don’t know why it all went so well... Maybe somehow Will knew that we both needed this trip... Maybe God helped us... Maybe it was all of it. But for sure, it was a giant leap forward and now the sky's the limit.

---------------------------------------------------------

July 13, 2009

1:00pm Drive from home to Dulles Airport – 30 min
Dulles Airport, checking in, waiting to board – 3 hours
Washington DC. – Paris, France – 8 hours
Layover in Paris – 4 hours
Paris, France – Malaga, Spain – 2.5 hours
Looking for our baggage and finding it in Lost & Found – 30 min
Drive from Malaga to Mijas (our final destination) – 30 min
---------------------------------------------------------
Total Travel Time – 20 hours

July 25, 2009
4:30am Drive from Mijas to the Malaga Airport – 30 min
Malaga Airport, checking in, waiting to board – 2 hours
Malaga, Spain – Paris, France – 2.5 hours
Layover in Paris – 4 hours
Stuck on the plane due to a cargo compartment issue – 2.5 hours
Paris, France – Washington DC, US – 9 hours
Dulles Airport Customs/Baggage – 1 hour
Dulles Airport to home – 30 min
---------------------------------------------------------
Total Travel Time – 22 hours

Russian Cutlets (Kotlety)

2009-08-02T19:54:00.031-04:00

This weekend I finally decided to make the Russian Cutlets or, as we say in Russian, kotlety. It is a very a common dish in Russia, my son Will loves it (my Mom'd made kotlety many times when she was visiting), so I'm a bit ashamed that it took me this long to do the same. But, better late than never, so today was the day.

I used my friend Lena's recipe (thank you, darling!), and, even though the entire process was pretty time consuming, it was worth it.

Ingredients:

- 1 lb. of ground beef
- 1 lb. of ground pork
- 6 slices of white bread
- 1 egg
- 3 cups of 1% milk
- 1 onion
- vegetable oil
- dill for seasoning
- salt & pepper

Instructions:

1. Take about 6 slices of white bread (I used sliced Italian white bread), remove the crust, and tear the bread up into a medium-size mixing bowl. Pour about 1 1/2 cup of 1% milk into the bowl and mash the bread so that it becomes a clam chowder-looking mixture. Make sure that you don't have large pieces of bread floating around - you want the mixture to be of the same consistency. Break one egg into the mix and stir. Add a dash of salt and black pepper, mix, and set aside.

2. Mince one onion and throw it on a preheated with vegetable oil skillet. Saute for about 5 minutes, turn the heat off, and set aside.

3. In a large mixing bowl, mix the ground beef and ground pork. For best results, use your hands. Yes, this is where you'll have to get intimately acquainted with your meat (I am not a fan), but it's necessary for everything to be mixed properly. Some people use sterile gloves because they don't like to touch raw meat. Some people. :-)

4. Pour your milky bread mixture into the bowl with beef & pork, and mix. Add the sauteed onion, and mix everything really well.

5. Now the fun part begins -- the making of the cutlets! Make as many as you can (shape them like mini burgers or large cookies) and place them on a cookie sheet. I made a total of 37 cutlets using this recipe, so it's about 3 cookie sheet worth. You won't be actually using the cookie sheet for cooking the cutlets, but rather, for staging them there before they make their way to the skillet.

6. In a large deep skillet, heat up some vegetable oil. Place your cutlets (the number of cutlets will depend on the size of your skillet and the cutlets) on the skillet and fry them for about 3 minutes on each side, on medium heat, uncovered. Once they are browned, pour some milk into the skillet, turn down the heat to the lowest setting, cover the skillet and let the cutlets steam for about 10 minutes. That's what will make the cutlets juicy and soft - the milk gets absorbed into the meat and makes them moist and tender.

After the 10 minutes are passed, remove the cutlets from the skillet and place them on a large plate or a casserole dish, where they can cool down. Sprinkle some dill for seasoning.

You'll have to repeat Step 6 multiple times until you run out of meat. As I've mentioned above, this recipe makes about 35-40 cutlets.

The great thing about the cutlets is that you can have them with mashed potatoes, barley, rice or any other typical side dish. They will last you for about a week (keep them refrigerated). All you need to do is change your side dishes, and it's like you have a whole new meal. Can't beat that.

Hope you enjoy kotlety as much as we do. Priyatnogo appetita!

Traveling Toddler

2009-07-30T21:03:00.033-04:00

In preparation for the trip to Spain, I spent hours researching various products in the marketplace that make flying with a toddler and his/her gear easier. My past experience travelling by air with Will involved special straps to carry his car seat like a backpack. That ended up being a giant pain in the back, literally: it was super heavy, awkward, and somewhat hazardous to the people around me, especially when I made turns.

This time I decided to do it right. I was convinced there had to be an easier way to have your kid, his car seat, and your carry-on luggage all managed by one adult. Sure enough, there was. Traveling Toddler is such a simple and genius idea to strap your kid in his car seat to your carry-on rolling suitcase, and use it as his stroller. It solves multiple problems at once: you can check in the stroller and forget about it, you don't have to lug your kid's heavy car seat in addition to your carry-on luggage, and you can even have another carry-on (e.g. backpack). And, most importantly, your kid is happy and cozy in his own comfy car seat while you are navigating through crowds.

When I first came across the product, it almost seemed too easy and suspiciously cheap ($15.00 on Amazon). But, after reading its 5-star reviews with the customers so happy with the product, they'd cried, I went for it.

Initially, it took some practice, and it didn't work with all of Will's car seats (so make sure your car seat manufacturer and model is listed as compatible, if you decide to purchase one). But, once I got the hang of hooking and unhooking the car seat straps to and from Traveling Toddler and, ultimately, the suitcase, it was really easy, and it only took seconds.

We used Traveling Toddler going from Dulles, US to Paris, France, to Malaga , Spain, and all the way back without any issues. I also got so many compliments on my little "system", not only from random travellers who were also desperate to find a way to make their travel with kids easier, but also from different airport security staff. Surprisingly, I didn't see anyone else with Traveling Toddler, so that makes me think the product is either still really new or people are too sceptical to give it a chance.

Next time we travel by air, Will is going to be too big for his car seat, as I am about to transition him to a booster seat. Nonetheless, I am happy to have found a product that truly makes travelling with a toddler much easier, so now I am spreading the word. Travelling with kids doesn't have to be a nightmare, and I hope Traveling Toddler helps you.

Bon Voyage!

Malaga, Spain

2009-07-18T21:16:00.000-04:00

I still cannot believe it, but Will and I are in Malaga, Spain, staying with a close friend, who's vacationing there this summer.

So far, the trip has been out of this world... I honestly can't think of one word to describe it. Perhaps, it shouldn't be.

A friend of mine gave me a journal before we left, so I've been writing in it a lot to capture as much of everything that's been going on as possible (I actually had to remember how to write vs. type). Eventually, once we are back home, most of the content in the journal will make its way here.

Vuelvo mas tarde! :-)

Borsh.. my way.

2009-07-04T21:05:00.000-04:00

Since I don't typically crave Russian food, I make borsh (Russian beet & cabbage soup) only a few times a year. But, every time I make it, it reminds me of how hearty and delicious it is, and is always worth the time it takes to prepare it.

One thing about borsh is that while there are general guidelines for making it, no recipe is the same. I still somewhat follow my mom's recipe, which she, according to her, perfected from my grandma's recipe. In turn, I have perfected my mom's recipe :-) It's all about perfection.

So here goes my attempt to document something that's been in my family for many generations.

Ingredients:

- 2 packs of beef stew meat (or one large pack)

- 1 medium size green cabbage

- 3-4 carrots

- 2 medium size beets

- 2 tomatoes

- 1 onion

- 4-5 cloves of garlic

- 1 lemon

- 2 large yellow potatoes

- 1 chicken cured hot dog

- voo (virgin olive oil)

- fresh dill and parsley

Instructions:

1. Place the meat in a large pot, add cold water (about 2/3 of the pot) and bring it to a boil. Let it boil it for a few minutes and then dump the water, rinse the meat, and re-fill the pot with fresh water (about 3/4 of the pot, as you will need room for the rest of the ingredients). I boil the meat twice to make sure that the actual broth that you are going to use for the soup is nice and clear.

2. Bring the water with meat to a boil and let it cook until the meat is cooked. Shred the cabbage and place it in the pot. Stir. Reduce the heat to low and half-cover the pot with a lid.

3. Grate (or use a food processor) the beets and carrots, chop the onion and place all three ingredients on a large heated pan/skillet with lots of olive oil. Stir and saute the mix for 5-7 minutes on low heat. Then add cut up tomatoes, garlic, and lemon juice (I usually squeeze an entire lemon into the mix). Lemon juice is very important here as it preserves the brightness of the red color of the beets - the signature color of the soup. Add some salt and pepper, a little bit of water, and stir. Lower the heat to the lowest setting, cover the pan with a lid and leave it be for about 10 minutes.

4. Add the beets & carrots juicy "salsa" that you just prepared to the beef and cabbage in the pot. Stir slowly. Cover with the lid and let it cook for 5-7 minutes. The heat on the pot always stays low - remember that.

5. Cut up potatoes (I usually cut them up into small cubes so that they cook faster), add them to the pot, and stir. By now, you should have very little room left in the pot, but the good news is that you are pretty much done :-) Cover the pot and give it about 10 minutes for the potatoes to cook.

6. When the potatoes are cooked, add some fresh dill and parsley and stir. (I also like to add one cut up chicken hot dog to the soup. I think it makes it a little bit more interesting, but doesn't take away from the main dish.) Turn the heat off, cover the pot with a lid, and let it sit for a few hours to cool down. Once cooled down, keep the soup refrigerated.

Serve borsh hot with a little bit of sour-cream or as-is.

Enjoy or, as we say in Russia, pryatnogo apetita!

Размышления о России... (A Russian version of "Russia on My Mind...")

2009-07-01T20:03:00.000-04:00

Прошло уже более двух лет с тех пор, как я и Вилька побывали в России. Это было в июле 2006 года, когда Вильке было вcего 9 месяцев. 12 часов лета из Вашингтона в Москву, а потом 7 часов езды на машине в Нижний было не легко, но игра стоила свеч.

Вилькино крещение в Русской православной церкви, всреча с прабабушкой и прадедушкой, времяпровождение с его тетей Олей и дедом и баби, а также c разными друзьями и людьми с которыми я выросла было просто безценно и, в какой-то степени, сурреально... Сурреально, потому что мои родители, родственники, и все мои pусские друзья никогда не были и наверное не будут частью моей и Вилькиной каждодневной жизни в США.

Честно говоря, это факт хронически разбивает мне сердце. Иногда я жалею о том, что иммигрировала в США т.к. это практически полностью отделило меня от моей семьи.

C другой стороны, я так же благодарна судьбе за возможность приехать в Америку и построить свою жизнь здесь своим трудом. Но, к сожалению, как бы я на это не смотрела, постоянно быть в далеке от родни и Нижнего Новгорода, где я выросла, училась в университете, и прожила свои первые 20 лет, очень тяжело.

Мысли о возвращении назад в Россию на постонянное место жительства посещали меня до Вилькиного диагноза Аутизм. Ho, eсли Вы думаете, что Аутизм это понятие достаточно новое, и врачи до сих пор не знают точно не причин болезни не как ее лечить, то в России люди только сейчас начинают узнавать что такое Аутизм. Нет пока в России специализированной терапии и услуг для образования детей c особенностями Аутизма в обычных школах. Я раньше вообще думала, что в России нет много детей-инвалидов или в принципе людей с врожденной инвалидностью. Но, к моему удивлению и сожалению, таких людей в России столько же сколько и в США, только в России их не видно, потому что они не выходят из дома. Россия, на сегодняшний день, не приспособленна к тому, чтобы обеспечить оптимальную жизнь для людей с физическими или умственными отклонениями. Вилькино настоящее и будущее намного лучше и более перспективно здесь в США, нежели в России, и поэтому все мысли о возвращении в Россию теперь отпали.

Ну, а как насчет того чтобы ездить в Россию более часто? Проблема в том, что когда человек уезжает из своего родного города и страны, и только приезжает погостить раз в год или реже, появляется такое не реальное чувство или ожидание, что все должно оставаться на своих местах... так, как это было в детстве. Это то идеалистическое представление о своем детстве, где все всегда было хорошо, и мама с папой любили друг друга. И, возмножно, у кого-то действительно так все и происходит. Но, в моем мире, слишком много всего поменялось за последние годы, и это наверное основная причина моего нежелания часто посешать Россию: большинство моих друзей переехали в Москву и Израиль, сестра уехала в Англию на учебу, а родители развелись.

Видеть как мама и папа ведут свои раздельные и очень разные жизни послe 30-летнего брака и не иметь возможности проводить время с ними вместе как одна семья иногда просто не выносимо. И я все понимаю - это жизнь, люди разводятся, но во мне все равно живут эгоистичные чувства, что их развод забрал у меня то ощущение семьи.

Не давно я поделилась своими мыслями по поводу России с одним из моих друзей, и реакция была такая: "Значит теперь ты решила наказать своих родителей за их ошибки?" Меня просто покоробило, когда я услышала этот вопрос... И я почуствовала себя маленькой эгоисткой.

Я много думала о своем отношении к родителям с того момента... И, действительно, жизнь это такая штука, что иногда все меняется, хочешь ты этого или нет. Но, родители всегда остаются родителями, хорошие или плохие, вместе или раздельно. Я чувствую себя виноватой за то, что Вилька и я не приехали в России этим летом... Было бы здорово увидеть маму с папой и бабу с дедом.

Я надеюсь, что мама и папа приедут к нам в гости в этом году, и мы с Вилькой поедем путешествовать назад в Россию в 2010 году. Я надеюсь, что моя сестра тоже будет там с нами. Я надеюсь, что баба с дедой живы и здоровы, и что дед раскажет нам о своих мемуарах, a баба будет охать и причитать на тему зa чем я вообще иммигрировала в США. Я надеюсь...

Russia on My Mind...

2009-06-30T17:58:00.000-04:00

It's been more than two years since I've gone back to Russia... The last time we went was in July 2006, when Will was only 9 months old. As hectic as it was to travel 12 hours by plane and then 7 more hours by car, the trip was worth it (although I am confident that I aged 5 years on the flight back, when Will cried for 10 hours).

Will's baptism at a Russian Orthodox church, meeting his great grandparents for the first time, hanging out with his aunt and grandparents, and seeing all of the people I grew up with was priceless and kind of surreal... Surreal because my parents, relatives, and all of my Russian friends are not and never have been part of my and Will's everyday life in the US.

It always breaks my heart. Sometimes I regret immigrating to the US because it separated me from my family. Other times I am grateful for having the opportunity to come to the US and build my life here, all by myself. But no matter how I look at it, always being away from my family and Nizhny where I grew up, went to college, and spent the first 21 years of my life, is very hard.

The thought of moving back had crossed my mind before Will's diagnosis of Autism. If you think that Autism is a fairly new disorder in the US and doctors don't quite know yet how to treat it, Russia is only now starting to get familiar with the term 'Autism'. There are no therapy services or special education services with the goal to streamline your children in the long run. I used to think there were no handicapped people in Russia. The reality is that they are just as many as in the US, except most of them sit in their homes and rarely go outside; Russia is not handicap-friendly. So, Will is better off here in the US, and I can't think of a better reason to stay.

But what about visiting Russia more often? Well, when you leave your hometown or home country, and only visit once a year or less, you sort of expect things to stay the way they were when you'd lived there... It's that idealistic view of your childhood and how everything magically worked back then, and Mom and Dad were in love. And, for some people, maybe it just works that way. But, in my case, too many things changed in the last several years, and that's probably the main reason why I haven't gone back to Russia in so long. Most of my friends moved to Moscow and Israel, my little sister moved to England, and my parents got divorced.

Seeing my Mom and Dad living their own separate lives after a 30-year marriage and not being able to spend time with them as family is crushing. And, even though that's just how life works sometimes and I understand all the reasons, I guess I still feel selfish that I can no longer be with both of them and have that sense of family.

I recently shared my feelings about visiting or not visiting Russia with a friend, and the response I got was "So now you are punishing your parents because of it?" That really struck a chord with me, and made me feel selfish and immature.

I have thought about it a lot since then... And, I guess that's just how life works. Things change, they always do, and sometimes they don't change the way you want them to. But, your parents will always be your parents, together or separate, good or bad. I feel guilty now for not going there with Will this summer, as I am sure my parents and grandparents would be thrilled to see us.

I hope that my Mom and Dad will each visit us later this year and Will and I get to go on our "Back to Russia" adventure in 2010. I hope that my sister is there, too. I hope that my grandparents are alive and well, and my Grandpa can tell us about the memoires he's been writing, and Grandma can ask me again and again why I immigrated to the US in the first place. I hope...

Comfort Food - Buckwheat Porridge

2009-06-26T21:31:00.000-04:00

It still fascinates me that I want Russian food only when I am down. Unless I am either sick or sad, I do not miss or crave the Russian cuisine. Moreover, I would rather eat something else. It always disappoints my Mom when she visits because all she wants to do is cook for us, but I eat her dishes only out of respect.

The first time I realized that I absolutely HAD to have Russian food was about 4 years ago. I was 10 weeks pregnant with my son, and was going through the worst first trimester all-day sickness. I had lived in the US for about 8 years at that point, and it was the first time I felt like I needed the food with which I grew up.

I Googled 'Russian Food', found a great local Russian food store in Herndon, VA, http://russiangourmet.com/, and it has been my comfort food store ever since. The place always has just the right Russian goodies, the staff is super friendly (well, Russian-friendly), everyone speaks Russian and, sometimes, I think that just by looking at me, they know what's on my mind and can relate... just because we are all Russian :-)

So what do I usually get there to satisfy my craving and make me feel all better again? Roasted whole buckwheat groats.

Buckwheat porridge (Grechnevaya kasha) is probably one of the top three side dishes in everyday Russian cuisine (the other two being potatoes and rice). It's a great choice for people with diabetes, GI issues, and all sorts of food allergies. But, besides being super healthy and relatively low-fat, I think it is super delicious and goes well with meat, chicken, sausage, or mushrooms/veggies.

It's really easy to make, too. All you need is:

200 ml whole roasted buckwheat groats
a few knobs of butter
½ tsp salt
boiling water

Pour the groats into a medium-size pot with boiling water, add some butter (the more the better!), sprinkle with the salt, and mix. I tend to use about the same proportion of water to buckwheat groats as with rice. If you don't use enough water, the groats will be dry and you can pretty much throw the whole thing out and start over. (Some people like to substitute water with milk to make the porridge more rich).

Cover the pot tightly with a lid and reduce the heat to low. Cook it for about 30 min. The porridge is ready when all the liquid has been absorbed into the buckwheat, and the groats are soft and fluffy.

I just made the porridge for dinner last night (I also mixed in a couple of cut-up organic cured chicken hot dogs to make it into a balanced meal). My son Will is the pickiest eater in my world, but he ate his entire dinner without any convincing.

I feel better already.

Home for Thoughts

2009-06-26T19:50:00.000-04:00

I feel like consolidating things these days: email accounts, bank accounts, credit cards, and even blogs. I have created different posts on way too many sites (facebook, autismspot.com and others) in the last year or so, and now I feel the need to bring all of them into one place. I guess that means I will be blogging here. My thoughts (or at least the ones I am willing to share) now have their first official home on the Internet.. and this is kind of exciting. :-)

Teaching Empathy and Compassion

2009-05-31T20:35:00.000-04:00

I know that all parents can relate to meltdowns to some extent – all children at one point or another have meltdowns in public. It’s stressful, embarrassing, frustrating, and all you want to do is make it stop as soon as possible and run home.

The challenge with Autistic kids’ meltdowns is that they are much more intense, they last longer and, at times, there really seems to be no way to stop it.. So you grab your kid, carry him to the car, go home, and hope you never get to meet the people who witnessed it again.

It happened to me this weekend. Will was already tired from a busy weekend, but the weather being so nice, I decided to take him to our neighborhood playground before dinner. Bad call.
He had a meltdown at the playground because he couldn’t swing on the swings for as long as he wanted. Typically, this issue is manageable as he can be redirected easily to a new activity, but not today. In his attempt to communicate to me that he wanted the swing, and being already so stressed out about it, he realized that vocalizing the words ‘swing’ and ‘push’ is not going to get him what he wanted, so he started screaming every word he had in his vocabulary. Then the flapping… I will spare you the rest of the details.

So I grabbed him and carried him to the car. He is 35 lbs and super strong for his age, so it was a battle. And, as I was walking away from the swing set, I heard one of the moms say quietly “psycho”.

When I heard that, it felt like someone punched me in the back of my head. I wanted to turn around and punch her back, but for real. I didn’t. I kept on walking with Will in my arms fighting me.

Will cried for about 2 min on the way home and then passed out. I cried the entire way home. Tears of anger, frustration, pain and fear. It’s a painful contrast to hear encouraging feedback from therapists and teachers on how your precious little boy is doing, and, at the same time, to hear a stranger at the playground call your 3-year-old a psycho. Both within the same week.

I wish that mom called Will a brat – that way, I could have brushed it off as her being unaware of Autism. But, the fact that she called him a psycho made me realize that spreading Autism awareness is not enough. We need to teach people empathy, compassion, and understanding. The question is how.